Saturday, December 16, 2006

Bushier than thou

The escalator to nowhere

Our silly president commissioned a report from the Iraq Study Group, a council of learned elders and retreads from previous administrations, when all he really had to do was chat up Stephen Oakley of Fair Oaks. Mr. Oakley disdains the defeatist talk coming from the ISG because he can solve all of our problems in Iraq with a snap of his fingers and his own personal Fourteen Points (equal in number, but not in tenor, to Woodrow Wilson's).

From the December 14, 2006, Letters to The Bee [with interpolated snarkiness by yours truly]:

How to win this war

Re “Twin car blasts kill dozens in Baghdad,” Dec. 12: Please, no more special commissions staffed by blow-hards and political hacks from the '60s. Here's my advice to Bush for a course correction:

1) Assert American interests. [Those being?]

2) Dump the Iraq Study Group report in the garbage. [Already done by Bush!]

3) Tell former Rep. Lee Hamilton to just accept retirement; go home; don't come back. [The ISG chair was James Baker; how did you overlook him?]

4) Lock Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in her office from the outside. She's another incompetent academic. [Hey! You got one right!]

5) Find radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr; drag him out of his “mosque” and hang him. [Yeah, once he's a sanctified martyr for the holy cause, Sadr will have no impact at all!]

6) Fire and replace the current crop of field generals and John Abizaid, the top U.S. commander for the Middle East. [The top commander is our commander-in-chief. May we please fire him, too?]

7) Rebuild the Iraqi police from the ground up; implant identity chips in the graduates. [The U.S. has been doing a bad job of rebuilding Iraqi law enforcement for years. Why didn't we realize the problem was lack of ID chips?]

8) Level every single “mosque” in Iraq if weapons are stored there or a single shot has been fired from a minaret. [In the good old days of the Know Nothing Party (not, despite what you might think, the immediate predecessor of the GOP), Roman Catholic “convents” were known to stockpile weapons, conveyed from parish to parish under the long habits of gun-running nuns. Oh, if only we had destroyed them all when we had a chance!]

9) Arrest and hang every imam who preaches rebellion. [Sounds easy. Clerics in Iraq aren't entitled to any of that due process stuff, are they? Didn't think so. By the way, against whom would they be preaching “rebellion”?]

10) Throw the American media out of Iraq and bar them from returning. Let them subcontract their propaganda from Al Jazeera. We'd never know the difference. [Yeah, the America-hating liberal media deserve this for credulously reporting Bush administration “intelligence” on Saddam's weapons of mass destruction in the months leading up to our invasion.]

11) Disarm the “civilians.” Then, search and destroy houses with contraband. [I bet that would work well in this country, too. Can we get the NRA's endorsement?]

12) Arrest, summarily execute and transport to the landfill armed militiamen and phony road-check thugs. [Do we have to kill them, or could we just bury them alive? After all, our supply of nooses is tied up with the hanging imams.]

13) Send Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki packing. [How big a golden parachute would you suggest? There's billions unaccounted for by now. Maybe we could leave some of it on his dresser on our way out.]

14) Tell the United Nations and free-loading Europeans to stuff it. [Already done by the heroic Yosemite Sam—sorry, I mean John Bolton. Say, whatever happened to him?]

Stephen G. Oakley, Fair Oaks

See? Victory in Iraq is so easy that even George Bush could do it. Problem solved.

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